Irrational Fears

i am trying something new this month. a coworker (jenalo) asked if i wanted to participate in this "blogothon" for the entire month of november. i said sure, why not? the idea is that everyday there will be a new topic, each submitted by different people, and i have to post a blog about it. whether its just a sentence, a photo, a full entry or whatever. i think it will be fun and im excited to start! if anyone else is interested, just let me know. ok...entry 1....

irrational fear.

now, i'd like to think all of my fears are rational. wouldn't we all? i have a fear of heights, fear of the dentist, fear of boats, fear of flying, fear of losing loved ones...i'm starting to sound like a freak. but i think they are all legit fears. allow me to elaborate on why i think they are, in fact, rational fears...

fear of heights. i developed this fear later on in life. being up high never used to bother me. now i am terrified. i still love rollercosters, i dont understand the limitations of this fear, but even if i did, id still be afraid so what difference does it make. this fear definately limits my experieces. when i was in italy, we climbed 400+ stairs in the cathedral in florence to the lantern on top to see a breath taking view of the city. i got to the top and i was frozen. i clung to the wall. i couldn't move. my fear had paralyzed me. when i tried to move i was shaking like a leaf. my friends had to pull me back inside. i think a fear of plummeting to my death from a 600 year old 400 ft. dome is a perfectly rational fear.

fear of the dentist. i have always disliked the dentist. the smell, the sounds, the pulling and scrapping and flossing. no thank you. this fear came to a head about a year a go when i was there for my routine annual cleaning. the idiot dental hygensist found a cavity and made an entirely too big of a deal out of it and freaked me out. saying things like "oh my god, its huge! how did you not feel this?" now, for real? my stomach flipped flopped and i got all sweaty as she showed me the cavity with a mirror. i freaked out and had an anxiety attack. luckily, my dad's girlfriend works at the dentist office and came in and settled me down. i was crying and hysterical and shaking....i guess you may call this irrational behavior. the actual dentist came in and took a look at the cavity and said that the hygienist was wrong to make such a big deal over it since it was actually not that bad at all. i wanted to punch that chick in the mouth. i refuse to let her come near my teeth now.

fear of boats. this is also a recent fear. im a good swimmer. i always have been. i have never had a scare of almost drowning or known anyone that has drowned. i honestly dont know exactly where this fear came from. it could have possibly came from watching shows on the discovery channel about the depths of the ocean and all the crazy crap that is down there. i dont like knowing that below me, there can be a mile's worth of sharks and poisonous jellyfish, eels, funky seaweed and whatever. and to think, i wanted to be a marine biologist. i cant go for a joy ride on a boat on the lake with friends and you can forget getting me on a cruise ship. im perfectly content on land.

fear of flying. again, perfectly rational. and yes, i am aware of the statistics. flying is safer than driving. you have a greater chance of getting into a car accident than you do a plane accident, yadda yadda it doesnt matter. im still scared. when im in a plane, i cant help think about that i am 30,000 feet above the ground. 30,000 feet! i have zero control of what happens in airplane also and im a bit of a control freak these days. i start to feel claustrophobic and get sweaty and crazy feeling. yes i have had a few anxiety attacks on airplanes. my typical airplane behavior consists of me taking some sort of sleeping pill, telling my neighbor not to wake me up, no matter how fantastic the little free snack sounds, put in my earbuds for my ipod and zonk out. if there is a disturbance in this pattern, i will literally freak out. ive been better though. i have to talk myself out of my hysterics. one day i will have children and take them on vacation and i can't act like a freak when we fly.

fear of losing loved ones. i dont think i even need to explain this. we all have a fear of losing people we love. i think its part of human nature.

well this little excersise has given me a bit of a complex. i sound like a freak. i hope all this months posts dont involve self reflection. not sure i can handle it :) but i assure you, all my fears are still perfectly rational...

i WAS going to write about this crazy girl that called into the radio station i listen to every morning. the topic was irrational fears and her fear was of mustard. how weird is that? she would sooner die than eat it and she didnt even want to be near a bottle of it. she worked as a waitress and would start to have an anxiety attack when someone ordered a burger bc she was worried they would ask for mustard on it. wow, freak. at least there are people with weirder, more irrational fears than me!

Sugar better than Splenda

Since I'm doing my marathon training, I can't eat sweets. However I have found an alternative...




YUM

-- Post From My iPhone

back into the swing of things

hello blogosphere. i'm back. a lot has happened since my last post and in order to spare you all the boring details, i'll just summerize:

-i moved to chicago! my finace and i got an apt. in lakeview and we absolutely love it. i walked a mile to the grocery store today and couldn't help but think, this is awesome. i love the hustle and bustle, taking public transportation and NOT getting lost, the shopping, restaurants, being close to my friends, music and theater events that are every night somewhere, the red eye, and on and on. we love our place too. it took a little while for it to grow on me, but it has, and its great. we have a ton of space. the kitties seem happy. the only problem is we need parking. we're trying to find rented spots before the first sn*w fall. that's right, i'm not saying sn*w. it's a naughty word and i don't like it.

-wedding planning. uggggggh. this is sort of bittersweet. i'm so excited to get married and to have a wedding, but i am SUCH a procrastinator. there is just SO much to do and it's easy to get overwhelmed and just say screw it! i am so OCD about this kind of stuff to, so wanting everything to be perfect doesn't help. thankfully, i have my MOH koubie to keep me in check. she's my wedding drill sergeant. if it weren't for her, i probably wouldn't have a single thing planned yet. thank god for koubie. the wedding is like 200 something days away (is it bad that i don't know exactly how many?). it'll get done. i'll do a later post about wedding details thus far.

-marathon training. another uggggggggh. yesterday was the first day and it was totally fine, im exaggerating with the ugh. it's going to be difficult bc i am severely out of shape, but i know i can do it. my other MOH jacki is whipping my ass into shape. she's my hot body drill sergeant. when did i enlist in the army? don't recall. it'll be great though. jacki is a great motivator and is so knowledgeable about being healthy and working out to get desired results. she's going to make me a hot bride and i'm way grateful. i have been told that this first month will be light, and it will ease my body into running, but she's cracking the whip month 2. oh boy. but anyway, MARATHON. so it's really a mini marathon. we first have to crawl right? i can't run a half mile right now let alone 26mi so we thought we'd start with 13. There are two minis next year, one in august and the other in september. we have have almost a year so i feel pretty confident. mind you, i say this one day in and we pretty much took today off. great progress so far.

i think that might be all? i know i said a lot has happened but i guess it's just 3 main things. whatever, feels like a lot in my little world.

SIDE NOTE: a little something that is bugging the HELL out of me is the number of people i know that have gotten knocked up in the last month or so. WTF? I want to say there are at least 10 people. 10! i dont know that many people, so 10 is a frickin lot. i dont know what the hell is going on. its freaking me out. don't drink the koolaid. i so dont want a baby right now. i want to just BE for awhile before i get strapped down with a kid. i shouldn't say that, bad karma. the gift of a child is a blessing and blah, blah. in due time.

ok for now, i believe that this is all. i feel good and re-energized that i blogged again! it had seriously been too long. my goal is to post once a week, but i want to do more if possible.eh we will see. i hope everyone is having a fabulous week!

We get Internet today

I know. It's exciting. I'll be returning to the Blogosphere very soon with the long awaited update. Get ready...


-- Post From My iPhone

The long awaited update

I'm still alive! I have missed blogging te last couple of months! I will have Internet and more time soon (hopefully) so I will be back in the swing of things shortly. I'm sitting at o'hare airport waiting to board my flight for Boston. Yay for a weekend trip! The wait has given me time to catch you up on what's been going on with my life the past few months. Here are highlights from my awesome summer:
• I GOT ENGAGED!!! June 8th my man finally popped the question and I am so freaking excited!!! And true to his romantic form, he proposed in front if Buckingham Fountian. Just like a fairy tale...
• we signed a lease for our first apartment. Also very exciting!!! We are moving to Chicago in October and will be living in the same city for the first time ever!
• summer of concerts. I missed Britney when I had the (almost) swine flu, went to NKOTB with Mary Evelyn and M Diddy (it was freaking awesome!), OAR, Life House, I was supposed to go to PCD but it got canceled, fallout boy-panic at the disco- blink182 in a couple weeks, Carrie underwood at the end of the month and DMB in September!!!!
• catching up with old friends. Something I've wanted to do for a loooong time. I've gotten to see my girls a lot this summer and I am thankful for that!

I'm sure there is more stuff but I honestly can't remember. I have been ungodly busy between bridesmaid duties, planning our wedding, looking for an apt, long work hours and family obligations. I am looking forward to Sept. 1 when our 10 hr work days are over. I'll miss my three day weekends, but I will love getting home before dark! I hope to write again soon. Missed you!

-- Post From My iPhone

i can't sleep

I can't sleep. I'm not even tired. Do I know Tyler Durdan? Given the last few days I should be exhausted. I was, about 4 hours ago, but then I made a big mistake. I sat down on my bed with my laptop and headphones ready to watch ONE episode of DEXTER season 2. 4 hours later I am still awake and four episodes farther into the season.

This show is like heroin. I can't get enough. It's disturbing really. Dexter's character should not be so appealing, but like a car wreck, I can't look away. For those that don't know, Dexter is a blood splat analyst for the Miami PD by day and a serial killer by night. He is also a sociopath. I am drawn to this story like a moth to a flame. I don't know what it is. Right now as I am writing this, I have a nervous stomach because I want to know what comes next.

He is so smart and organized. Compulsive some would say. He is also void of caring about how others feel. I wish I could be that way sometimes. Not care how others feel. Not feel myself. Not worry about doing the right thing or what it means if I hope for the wrong thing. It's f*ed up, but having the kind of organized power that he does is intruiging. Is this what I want? What I am? A murderer? Hell no. I can't stand the sight or smell of blood.

I do find myself rationalizing his methods. Harry's code. He only kills other murderers. Cleaning up the city's garbage. Kind of like a super hero right? Except Batman and Spiderman didn't chop up their villians, stuff them in industrial garbage bags and throw them into the ocean to hopefully never be seen again. Almost, but not quite.

I am jealous that he can't feel feelings. I wonder what that would be like. How much time I would save. How it would change my life.

This is the crazy shit that you think about when you are up way past your bedtime. This is what makes me lose even more sleep and my concentration. This is ultimately what gets me into trouble. Maybe Dexter and I have more in common than I thought.


-- Post From My iPhone

someone's got a case of the mondays

monday.

ick.

i have been so ridiculously unmotivated all day today. everything has been getting on my nerves. i hate days like that. i couldn't get into my work which makes the day even longer. i was a bit of a slacker today: checking blogs, looking for hotel rooms (and having no luck) and looking for an apartment.

the apartment search is getting interesting. it is starting to stress me out already. i dont know if i will be able to find what i want and what i can afford in one place. that stinks. i think i have set my expectations too high. i am hoping to find something similar to carrie bradshaw's fabulous roomy rent-controlled studio...fat chance. ill be going to check out a few places soon though, so that is exciting. i cant wait for the change of pace. being on my own again and not having to report to someone constantly: where are you going? what time will you be home? who will be there? what are you going to do?

i am 25 not 15, i can handle it.

as far as work goes. i totally feel like peter from office space. i just dont feel like doing anything. there is also just so much petty stuff that i dont feel like dealing with. i have a definite “case of the mondays” and its terrible. hearing people whistling and humming in my office doesnt help either. i currently have my ipod on top volume to drown out all the annoyances. i wish i had a cubicle so i could just hide. its not that im antisocial, i just dont feel like talking to people.

i almost feel guilty putting up such a negative post. almost...