i can't sleep

I can't sleep. I'm not even tired. Do I know Tyler Durdan? Given the last few days I should be exhausted. I was, about 4 hours ago, but then I made a big mistake. I sat down on my bed with my laptop and headphones ready to watch ONE episode of DEXTER season 2. 4 hours later I am still awake and four episodes farther into the season.

This show is like heroin. I can't get enough. It's disturbing really. Dexter's character should not be so appealing, but like a car wreck, I can't look away. For those that don't know, Dexter is a blood splat analyst for the Miami PD by day and a serial killer by night. He is also a sociopath. I am drawn to this story like a moth to a flame. I don't know what it is. Right now as I am writing this, I have a nervous stomach because I want to know what comes next.

He is so smart and organized. Compulsive some would say. He is also void of caring about how others feel. I wish I could be that way sometimes. Not care how others feel. Not feel myself. Not worry about doing the right thing or what it means if I hope for the wrong thing. It's f*ed up, but having the kind of organized power that he does is intruiging. Is this what I want? What I am? A murderer? Hell no. I can't stand the sight or smell of blood.

I do find myself rationalizing his methods. Harry's code. He only kills other murderers. Cleaning up the city's garbage. Kind of like a super hero right? Except Batman and Spiderman didn't chop up their villians, stuff them in industrial garbage bags and throw them into the ocean to hopefully never be seen again. Almost, but not quite.

I am jealous that he can't feel feelings. I wonder what that would be like. How much time I would save. How it would change my life.

This is the crazy shit that you think about when you are up way past your bedtime. This is what makes me lose even more sleep and my concentration. This is ultimately what gets me into trouble. Maybe Dexter and I have more in common than I thought.


-- Post From My iPhone

someone's got a case of the mondays

monday.

ick.

i have been so ridiculously unmotivated all day today. everything has been getting on my nerves. i hate days like that. i couldn't get into my work which makes the day even longer. i was a bit of a slacker today: checking blogs, looking for hotel rooms (and having no luck) and looking for an apartment.

the apartment search is getting interesting. it is starting to stress me out already. i dont know if i will be able to find what i want and what i can afford in one place. that stinks. i think i have set my expectations too high. i am hoping to find something similar to carrie bradshaw's fabulous roomy rent-controlled studio...fat chance. ill be going to check out a few places soon though, so that is exciting. i cant wait for the change of pace. being on my own again and not having to report to someone constantly: where are you going? what time will you be home? who will be there? what are you going to do?

i am 25 not 15, i can handle it.

as far as work goes. i totally feel like peter from office space. i just dont feel like doing anything. there is also just so much petty stuff that i dont feel like dealing with. i have a definite “case of the mondays” and its terrible. hearing people whistling and humming in my office doesnt help either. i currently have my ipod on top volume to drown out all the annoyances. i wish i had a cubicle so i could just hide. its not that im antisocial, i just dont feel like talking to people.

i almost feel guilty putting up such a negative post. almost...

paging nurse betty

muffin [pictured on left with peanut on the right] was making nurses' hats for one of our dreamers who wants to be a nurse.

**i dont know if i've posted about our dreamers yet. if not, its part of an organization that makes dreams come true for elders....much like make a wish foundation.**

this dreamer always wanted to be a nurse. we were just giving the hats a test run....fun right? ill probably forget i have it on and go down the hall to the bathroom...getting stares all along.

when life gives you lemons....make a lemon drop martini

i just wanted to give a quick thank you to m.e. for giving me the lemonade award. even though i haven't been posting as much as i would like, m.e. is still encouraging me and making sure to add comments as soon as i post! thank you!

And now, to pass it on to a few of my faves:
organized chaos
symphonic discord
jenalo
the bartemptress
dancing backwards in high heels

Digging myself out

I have been in a rut. A deep one. On this beautiful, sunny Sunday morning, I have decided it's time to dig myself out.

For the past two months I have been really unsure of myself. I don't know why. And thats frustrating. Today is the sixth day I have been held captive like by the flu. I was tested for swine flu on Tuesday. They had to do a culture through my nose and I haven't been able to blow my nose since. I am too week to really do anything yet. I ventures out to store yesterday for a very short time and got dizzy and had to come home. I hate the feelin of being trapped by my own body.

Anyway, all this downtime has given me a lot of time to think. I have set some goals for myself that I want to accomplish by the end of the summer (say July 31st).

- update my resume and portfolio. I have been saying that I want to give them a make over for months and jus haven't made the time to make it happen. Not anymore.

-relearn web design. Not knowing web restricts me from
advancing in my career. I have been puttin it off bc I didn't want to spend the time or money, I'm not making excuses anymore.

-lose 20-30 lbs. This may sound unrealistic to some, but it is not in my case and is totally necessary. I am going on 6 years of being overweight and it's going to end. I'm in my 20's. I should be in the best shape of my life...and hopefully I will be by August.

- move into an apartment in Chicago. I have wanted to live downtown since I was in high school but have been to scared to make the move. Once my gram moves into her condo, hopefully by the end of the month, I am moving to the greatest city in the US. I'm starting to look tomorrow. Any suggestions, I'm all ears.

These are just a few of the big ones. I also want to learn how to paint and to take dance classes again, but I think the otherthigs are more important to me at this time. I also want to make daily posts to my blog, but not having Internet really hinders my ability. Posting from my phone is such a pain in the ass.

I refuse to be unhappy anymore. Ive never settled for anything less than I wanted before, so why am I now? Time to take control. I'll keep you posted on my progress. Wish me luck.

-- Post From My iPhone